Monday, May 15, 2006

Stuck in Slow Motion

I feel like a lame duck President. Stuck in slow motion. Unable to get much accomplished. Between meds, pain and surgery my recovery is stalled. Stuck in the depths of making amends. Afraid of it I guess. Stopped like a deer in the headlights. My two biggest amends include asking for forgiveness and monetary payback to the tune of about four thousand dollars split between two people. One is a former landlord, the money owed is back rent. The other is also for rent and deeper forgiveness.
My quandry and inactivity is this. How do I ask forgiveness without money in hand? I am going into surgery next Monday, what if the worst happens and none of this is resolved? I realize this is fear and fear is not God driven. It comes from the enemy. I suppose I need to pray deeper on this. I try daily to give these fears over to God but I want them back the next day. One of my favorite verses I am getting intimately aquainted with is Matthew 5:23-24
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Jesus is saying don't wait. If you have wronged someone run to that person and ask for forgiveness. So why am I waiting? Am I sinning by not going directly to these people now? Am I getting in deeper by procrastination? I do not like being stuck in a rut. In my mind I want to be decisive, a man of action. I can think about it, plan to do it but when when the time comes for action my spine turns into linguine. I can think of a thousand excuses of why I can't do this this week. Should I make the time to do this now? or should I wait until I am in a back brace and can get the sympathy forgiveness? LOL. Deep down inside I know the answers. I have come far in recovery and I know I will get it accomplished.
I just don't want to.

1 comment:

Mandylea said... know what you need to do, don't you? Just pray right up until the moment you open your mouth to seek forgivness for God to give you the words and for God to give these individuals the grace of forgivness. If they cannot forgive, then it is then on their shoulder..not yours.


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