Friday, May 19, 2006

Rocket to Relapse

Countdown to relapse.

10. Triggers
9. Anxiety/Fear
8. Isolation
7. Not calling sponsor or accountabilty partner
6. Lack of meditation and prayer
5. Resentments
4. Procrastination
3. Rationalization
2. Lack of daily inventory
1. Justification

Thats all it took for me to light up a cigarette again. Last night I was tired, irritable and anxious. I went into my wife's purse took 20 bucks, went to the store and bought a pack of smokes. This happened about 11pm. I then proceeded to isolate into a new book, and smoked seven or eight of the devious little suckers. All of a sudden it hit me. This is old behaviour. I was reliving old using behaviour. The way I took the money could have been considered sneaky, my wife was asleep at the time. I was smoking in the back yard after everyone had gone to bed. Guilt set in. What a horrible feeling. The series of events that led to me lighting up were eerily similar to the way I used to use. With one difference. I would have never dumped my bag of dope into the fountain in the back yard and dumped it in the trash... LOL Thats what I did. I chunked the rest of the pack and was back on the gum today.

I have a real crummy attitude about this right now. When my nerves are shot they are comforting. I know they are terrible for me but dang it I like em! My goal is to be completely nicotine free when I come out of the hospital. Four days on morphine ought to do the trick. I know thats a completly idiotic way of looking at it but hey, God works in mysterious ways.

I know I am completely powerless over my addiction to cigarettes.
I know that turning them over to God is the only solution.
I feel like Paul in Romans. I want to do what is right but I just can't. It is my sinful nature.

Frustration abounds over this. I know God will keep it, my flesh wants it back.

Houston we have a problem



News is Good said...

"I know I am completely powerless over my addiction to cigarettes.
I know that turning them over to God is the only solution."

Is it not possible that the effects are entirely biological, and that simply not smoking is the solution?

Why should God care if you smoke or not anyway, did he not create tobacco?

Helen Losse said...

I have never smoked and know nothing of your struggle. But Who I know is a God that cares about all of our struggles. I am lifting you up before Him.

Larry said...

Ok, when we talk of giving a problem or addiction to God. We are saying we are powerless to control our hurts, habits, and hangups. God did create tobacco, but we all know too much of something can be a bad thing. I am addicted to cigarretes and I know that there is no way I can quit by myself. I have tried many many many times. I am not quitting because I think its a sin. I am quitting for my health. (and the fact they cost $3.50 a pack and rising)What I am doing is using my steps in recovery and relying on my Higher power, Jesus Christ to get me through it. That is how I got through my drug addiction. It is also how I try to live my daily life. I spent 25 years of my life doing things my way and... well it didn't work out very well. Since I have returned to church and to Christ my life has improved 150% I say this a lot and it is trite but my worst days that I have now are way better than the best days I had in the past.


Redeemed said...

Hey Larry, sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been in a very self centered state of mind and for me that is very self destructive. Mother's Day was difficult because I don't see my children much and it's because of my past actions and I have to live with that. I still have contact with them, but it's not enough. It takes a long time to win back trust. As far as the smoking goes, you're right, it's just like any other addiction. And God does care if we smoke because our bodies are "temples of the Lord" and we are to treat them as such. This includes not putting toxic substances into it.

Remember...insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. What exactly did you expect when you picked up the cigarette? Guilt is good because it means that we haven't become so desensitized that we don't feel anything. Just keep doing the "next right thing."

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