Friday, May 19, 2006
Rocket to Relapse
Countdown to relapse.
7. Not calling sponsor or accountabilty partner
6. Lack of meditation and prayer
2. Lack of daily inventory
Thats all it took for me to light up a cigarette again. Last night I was tired, irritable and anxious. I went into my wife's purse took 20 bucks, went to the store and bought a pack of smokes. This happened about 11pm. I then proceeded to isolate into a new book, and smoked seven or eight of the devious little suckers. All of a sudden it hit me. This is old behaviour. I was reliving old using behaviour. The way I took the money could have been considered sneaky, my wife was asleep at the time. I was smoking in the back yard after everyone had gone to bed. Guilt set in. What a horrible feeling. The series of events that led to me lighting up were eerily similar to the way I used to use. With one difference. I would have never dumped my bag of dope into the fountain in the back yard and dumped it in the trash... LOL Thats what I did. I chunked the rest of the pack and was back on the gum today.
I have a real crummy attitude about this right now. When my nerves are shot they are comforting. I know they are terrible for me but dang it I like em! My goal is to be completely nicotine free when I come out of the hospital. Four days on morphine ought to do the trick. I know thats a completly idiotic way of looking at it but hey, God works in mysterious ways.
I know I am completely powerless over my addiction to cigarettes.
I know that turning them over to God is the only solution.
I feel like Paul in Romans. I want to do what is right but I just can't. It is my sinful nature.
Frustration abounds over this. I know God will keep it, my flesh wants it back.
Houston we have a problem