Thursday, June 21, 2007

Yesterday, Where I Was

To You O' Lord I lift my soul

Save me from myself.

Change me from the inside out

Show me the path from darkness

So I might shine in Your Holy Light

Burn away my impurities

Help me open all my rooms to You

Christ Jesus Save me from my open Wounds

Heal my aching heart

With Your Never ending Love

Let me feel the joy of Heaven above

Give me peace from my Troubled Soul

Make me Whole

I cry out to You,

sometimes with no answer

I allow sin to drive me away

Protect me with Your armour

Keep me safe today

I am sifted like wheat

I bring it on myself

I have no direction

Will You show me the way

I realize I am dense

It takes me awhile to get it

Shorten the time O' Lord

Let me surrender to Your will

I am stubborn and my heart

is hardened

Soften it O' God I pray

You gave me Christ

Because of Your Love

He died for me

to escape Your Wrath

Bring me peace dear Father

Your beauty is unrivaled

This world so intricate and fine

I have to pray

I have no desire to stay

Come Lord Jesus Come

Rescue me from this pain

Take me where there is no sin,

No corruption

Lift me up on wings like eagles

I want to run and not faint


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Fathers Day

What a day, did I mention I got a new backpack? It's a Hurley skater pack. Cool huh? I needed a new pack for my biking. My stepdaughter Tara got it for me. It even has straps to hold a skateboard to it.

Oh yeah, Can't wait to strap on a new stick. Sha right, like totally bogus man, like I need some more grindage on my spine.

I know I know, I am totally uncool.

My other stepdaughter Theresa bought me the Lord of The Rings online. It is my new preeciousss! Hope I have time to really play it.

Lexie my sweet nine year old soon to be ten got me some cool t-shirts.

I got a lot of loving from my girls today. That was better than any gift.

You know the song "Freedom" by Darrell Evans? I sang it at church today to the Iworship video. All my girls held up signs while I was singing that said We love Dad, You rock dad, etc. etc.

My best friend Mike sent me an Email today sort of nagging at me as to why I hadn't done a Father's day post. He thought maybe the recent drama with my family was affecting me or something. Two weeks ago it would have.

I saw my dad at church today and gave him a great big hug. Actually picked him up off the ground. (See, excercise works after surgery) Told him I loved him, and gave him a kiss. I love my dad.

See I am learning In my (oh no! I can here you groaning, not more program!) Sixth step what the true extent of my character defects are. My last post I spoke of my discovery of being truly selfish. (Like anyone else couldn't tell.) I am holding on to some resentments harder than I should. What better day to start relieving them than Father's Day?
What a blessing our Heavenly Father Has given us. Did you tell Him Happy Father's Day? I did, not for what He has done for me. But for who He is.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by to wish me a Happy Father's Day. Y'all made it complete!


Friday, June 8, 2007

So Long Self

Ahhh the sweet feelings of spiritual awaking. Flowers in the spring, fresh falling snow in the winter. Sunset on a summers eve. Recognizing your primary character defect?


I am a selfish person. There I have said it. I have admitted it to the world. The mask has fallen, scales have dropped from my eyes.

Since recovery started for me four and a half years ago I have known I was self-centered or else why would I have drank, used drugs, people and possesions? The exact depth of my selfish self- seeking self (Please allow myself to introduce my--self.) I never really understood until today.

From my hard partying days to my recovery, delusions of my own grandeur abounded.

I have always focused on the exterior, the symptoms, drugs and alchohol, lust.

Me me me, I'm a victim. Oh my gosh stuff just keeps falling into place.

If only mom and dad hadn't done this. If only my friend hadn't done that.

Sheesh, is there anything greater than the freedom of God leading you to self realization? Is there anything greater than Christ doing for us what we could not do for ourselves?

None of this would have been possible with out Jesus. None of this would have been possible without my doing a thorough inventory (step 4) and confessing to God and my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs (step 5).

People choke on these two steps. They would rather run screaming from the room than face their wrongs. I certainly know I procrastinated for ever.

I say, God brought me to it when he knew I was ready.

See what I said, selfish

I leave you with the lyrics of one of the greatest recovery songs ever.

My song.

So Long Self - Mercy Me

Well if I come across a little bit distant.

It's just because I am. Things just seem to feel
a little bit differentYou understand. Believe it or not but life is not
apparently About me anyways But I have met the One who really is worthy So let
me say.

So long, self

Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else. So long, self There's just no room for two So you are gonna have to move So long, self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell Oh well, goodbye, don't cry So long, self.

Stop right there because I know what you're thinking.

But no we can't be friends And even though I know your heart is breaking This has to end And come to think of it the blame for all of this Simply falls on me For wanting something more in life than all of this Can't you see?

Don't feel so bad (don't feel so bad)

There'll be better days (there'll be better days)

Don't go away mad (but by all means)

Just go away, go away.

So long, self

Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else So long, self There's just no room for two So you are gonna have to move So long, self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell Oh well, goodbye, don't cry

So long Self


Thursday, June 7, 2007

Heavy Duty

Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16

Ever have one of those days where you get a bunch of stuff off your chest and exhaustion sets in? Mental drainage? It s nothing a good run or bike ride wouldn't cure but I havn't the energy to get up, get going.

First Therapy, therapy days always drain me. It doesn't matter whether I go early or later in the afternoon. Dealing with your issues can really wear you out. My therapist hit me with some good stuff. "If every thing was perfect with your family how would your life be?" I rattled off a few answers, "work would be better." "anxiety would be gone" etc.

She then smacked the daylights out of me. "Wow, you sure are giving them a lot of power eh?" Nice huh? If she had been my sponsor I might have retorted with a colorful metaphor. She however is a proffessional and I have to give her her due. Great Logic there. I am stealing it to use on my sponsees.

Second, fith step. This is the step where you process all that stuff you put in your fourth step. Anxietys, fears, resentments, good stuff, bad stuff all on paper in columns where you can see your part in each of those areas. It is important to keep it balanced. A good sponsor will make sure you do.

I have done my fourth and fith step before. Having no one else at the time I used my pastor to help me through it. Honestly I left a bunch out. I told him some juicy stuff but some? Uh uh.

Man, what a burden. It took me a month to write it. and almost a month to set the time to read it. The first time was easier. Started on a Friday and finished on Monday. Met with my pastor on Wednesday. It was not easy by any means. Neither was today. I hit my sponsor with stuff I had never told a soul. Not even God. I walked away relieved. Shaking like a unbalanced washing machine, but relieved.

Jason, my sponsor says I'll feel better tomorrow. I feel better now.

Freed from the chains of my own guilt and shame.

Still pooped.


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Keepin' It Real

So, how real do you keep it when blogging? Are we shiny plastic people? Or do we lay it all out on the line?

Some blogs I have perused are vile, full of hatred and anger, an 80's punk show flyer. Show us how you really feel eh?

How far do you go with personal angst and agony? Do you name names or protect the not so innocent? I know when I finally finish my autobiography I'm not pulling any punches.

Fortunately I am doing another fith step Thursday with my sponsor. I also have therapy an hour before. So I'll be getting some needed processing done this week.

It seems I am never to escape family drama. No matter what I do it'll allways be there. God grant me the serenity etc. I feel like the elderly Michael Corleone. "No matter what I do they pull me back in!" It affects me down to my core.

When I was a kid things could be tough at times. (I am still being too chicken to keep it real here) I have bent over backwards to not make those mistakes with my girls. I never want them to feel as I did and still do. I don't get why my family doesn't do the same.
To accept the things I cannot change. I feel like I am taking crazy pills wait, oh yeah, I am.
If you can't tell I am very frustrated as I write this post. I wanna keep it much more real but the shiny won't come off just yet. My codependency still abounds I guess.


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