Long Week's Journey Into Next Week

It is official, I am a college student at 38 years old.

No biggie, lots of people older than me go back to their education.

For some reason this has been a dream. I have been waiting for the rug to jerked out from under me. Sorry no financial aid. You can't come here, go home.

When signed for my books I totally knew it was going to happen. Can you believe $607 dollars for books?

Thursday I signed into the school and got my time for picking my classes the next year.

Let me tell you I felt like I was in a sea of twelve year olds. No disrespect intended. They seemed so young! I did not see anyone enrolling that looked have my age. Not that I'm really old but wow, I managed to be just a tad self concious.

Friday was better. I met my academic advisor he helped me to decide which classes to take. I'm doing 15 hours. Schedule is as follows.

Intro to Phychology (Getting to know why I am taking crazy pills.)

Foundation to Christian Ministry (My adviser teaches this class. I like him, score!)

English Comp 1 (I actually get to learn how to write properly. My blogging should improve.)

Intermediate Algebra (My kid brings fractions home and my brain melts.)

Biblical Literature. (Learning how to really really study the bible.)

I go Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Not bad eh?

I think I got a hernia carring my books home from the store. You would'nt believe the calculator they tried to sell me. You have to go to MIT just to learn how to work it. I went with ole trusty. (The one where you actually understand the symbols on it?)

I am nothing but praising God for this opportunity. I have a part time job working at a church, I actually get paid to do what I love!! How cool is that?

Everything is a blessing for me now. The shadow of the last two years seem to finally be fading.

How Great Is Our God indeed!

Larry

Poison Ivy

Isn't there a song about poison ivy? The Coasters sang it right? I think there was a movie about it too. Some chick ruins a family or something.


Let me tell you, the real thing is worse! Painful, itching, scabby, nasty I would rather have a good burn or broken arm. I have no idea where I got it from either.


The good ole homestead here in Tyler is something of a throwback. Our house is over 40 years old and small. We went from 3300 square feet to somethng like 1300 with one teeny-weeny little bathroom. I have all my girls and the two dogs. It has been quite the learning experience.'

1. My showers now last two minutes.


2. There is no such thing as going to the bathroom in privacy anymore.


3. No dishwasher


4. When we first moved in, no dryer. All we had were 110 plugs, it was set up for a
gas dryer. What the heck is a gas dryer?



You know what? I love it. All my life I have been so spoiled it's nice to be a bit primitive for a change.


I sign in to Letourneau University on the 23rd and register for classes on the 24th. On Monday the 27th I'll be wearing the old college beanie! Did I just use the word beanie in a sentence?



I can't wait to throw the frisbee on the quad, and get a raccoon coat! One of my best friends and fellow university attender at U of H says I've seen to many movies.



Somehow I don't think Letourneau Is going to be like Animal House.



My major will be Biblical ministry with a possible minor in cross cultural evangelism, or a youth track. I'm not entirely sure. Where ever God wants me I'll go.


I am just thankful I didn't get the poison ivy somewhere personal.




Larry

Welcome to Tyler

This will be a quick post. I want everyone to know that I am alive and well and living now in Tyler, Texas.

It has been a difficult time packing, loading, unloading, unpacking. We are whooped.

The good news is that I have been accepted into Letorneau University in Longview, Texas.
I will be Majoring in Biblical Studies, the minor? I don't know yet.

Right now I am praying for all of the financial aid to come through so I can start in the fall. If not,spring will be fine. Whatever God's will is I will follow. When I have a bit more time I will get back to you with the gory details and links.

Prayers appreciated!

Blessings!

Larry

Has it Been That Long?

Has it really been that long since I last posted?

Wow, I have really been slack lately. A lot is going on in my life. Changes for the future. Changes for what God has been calling me to do. I have been afraid of taking the plunge. Now I am ready.

Now I am preparing for rain in the fields.

Please pray for my family and I as we make these changes. I will give more information a bit later.

Tune in next week... For another chapter in the drama of Larry!

And now a word from our sponsor Soapy Suds Bathroom Cleaner!

I will try and post again tonight or tomorrow with an explanation. Everything is for the better and for the Glory of God.

Blessings!

Larry

Ps. Guess which one is me.

Yesterday, Where I Was

To You O' Lord I lift my soul

Save me from myself.

Change me from the inside out

Show me the path from darkness

So I might shine in Your Holy Light

Burn away my impurities

Help me open all my rooms to You

Christ Jesus Save me from my open Wounds

Heal my aching heart

With Your Never ending Love

Let me feel the joy of Heaven above

Give me peace from my Troubled Soul

Make me Whole

I cry out to You,

sometimes with no answer

I allow sin to drive me away

Protect me with Your armour

Keep me safe today

I am sifted like wheat

I bring it on myself

I have no direction

Will You show me the way

I realize I am dense

It takes me awhile to get it

Shorten the time O' Lord

Let me surrender to Your will

I am stubborn and my heart

is hardened

Soften it O' God I pray

You gave me Christ

Because of Your Love

He died for me

to escape Your Wrath

Bring me peace dear Father

Your beauty is unrivaled

This world so intricate and fine

I have to pray

I have no desire to stay

Come Lord Jesus Come

Rescue me from this pain

Take me where there is no sin,

No corruption

Lift me up on wings like eagles

I want to run and not faint

Larry

Happy Fathers Day

What a day, did I mention I got a new backpack? It's a Hurley skater pack. Cool huh? I needed a new pack for my biking. My stepdaughter Tara got it for me. It even has straps to hold a skateboard to it.

Oh yeah, Can't wait to strap on a new stick. Sha right, like totally bogus man, like I need some more grindage on my spine.

I know I know, I am totally uncool.

My other stepdaughter Theresa bought me the Lord of The Rings online. It is my new preeciousss! Hope I have time to really play it.

Lexie my sweet nine year old soon to be ten got me some cool t-shirts.

I got a lot of loving from my girls today. That was better than any gift.

You know the song "Freedom" by Darrell Evans? I sang it at church today to the Iworship video. All my girls held up signs while I was singing that said We love Dad, You rock dad, etc. etc.

My best friend Mike sent me an Email today sort of nagging at me as to why I hadn't done a Father's day post. He thought maybe the recent drama with my family was affecting me or something. Two weeks ago it would have.

I saw my dad at church today and gave him a great big hug. Actually picked him up off the ground. (See, excercise works after surgery) Told him I loved him, and gave him a kiss. I love my dad.

See I am learning In my (oh no! I can here you groaning, not more program!) Sixth step what the true extent of my character defects are. My last post I spoke of my discovery of being truly selfish. (Like anyone else couldn't tell.) I am holding on to some resentments harder than I should. What better day to start relieving them than Father's Day?

What a blessing our Heavenly Father Has given us. Did you tell Him Happy Father's Day? I did, not for what He has done for me. But for who He is.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by to wish me a Happy Father's Day. Y'all made it complete!

Larry

So Long Self

Ahhh the sweet feelings of spiritual awaking. Flowers in the spring, fresh falling snow in the winter. Sunset on a summers eve. Recognizing your primary character defect?

Priceless.




I am a selfish person. There I have said it. I have admitted it to the world. The mask has fallen, scales have dropped from my eyes.

Since recovery started for me four and a half years ago I have known I was self-centered or else why would I have drank, used drugs, people and possesions? The exact depth of my selfish self- seeking self (Please allow myself to introduce my--self.) I never really understood until today.


From my hard partying days to my recovery, delusions of my own grandeur abounded.


I have always focused on the exterior, the symptoms, drugs and alchohol, lust.


Me me me, I'm a victim. Oh my gosh stuff just keeps falling into place.


If only mom and dad hadn't done this. If only my friend hadn't done that.


Sheesh, is there anything greater than the freedom of God leading you to self realization? Is there anything greater than Christ doing for us what we could not do for ourselves?


None of this would have been possible with out Jesus. None of this would have been possible without my doing a thorough inventory (step 4) and confessing to God and my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs (step 5).

People choke on these two steps. They would rather run screaming from the room than face their wrongs. I certainly know I procrastinated for ever.

I say, God brought me to it when he knew I was ready.


See what I said, selfish


I leave you with the lyrics of one of the greatest recovery songs ever.

My song.

So Long Self - Mercy Me

Well if I come across a little bit distant.

It's just because I am. Things just seem to feel
a little bit differentYou understand. Believe it or not but life is not
apparently About me anyways But I have met the One who really is worthy So let
me say.

So long, self

Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else. So long, self There's just no room for two So you are gonna have to move So long, self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell Oh well, goodbye, don't cry So long, self.

Stop right there because I know what you're thinking.

But no we can't be friends And even though I know your heart is breaking This has to end And come to think of it the blame for all of this Simply falls on me For wanting something more in life than all of this Can't you see?

Don't feel so bad (don't feel so bad)

There'll be better days (there'll be better days)

Don't go away mad (but by all means)

Just go away, go away.

So long, self

Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else So long, self There's just no room for two So you are gonna have to move So long, self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell Oh well, goodbye, don't cry

So long Self

Larry

Heavy Duty

Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16

Ever have one of those days where you get a bunch of stuff off your chest and exhaustion sets in? Mental drainage? It s nothing a good run or bike ride wouldn't cure but I havn't the energy to get up, get going.

First Therapy, therapy days always drain me. It doesn't matter whether I go early or later in the afternoon. Dealing with your issues can really wear you out. My therapist hit me with some good stuff. "If every thing was perfect with your family how would your life be?" I rattled off a few answers, "work would be better." "anxiety would be gone" etc.

She then smacked the daylights out of me. "Wow, you sure are giving them a lot of power eh?" Nice huh? If she had been my sponsor I might have retorted with a colorful metaphor. She however is a proffessional and I have to give her her due. Great Logic there. I am stealing it to use on my sponsees.

Second, fith step. This is the step where you process all that stuff you put in your fourth step. Anxietys, fears, resentments, good stuff, bad stuff all on paper in columns where you can see your part in each of those areas. It is important to keep it balanced. A good sponsor will make sure you do.

I have done my fourth and fith step before. Having no one else at the time I used my pastor to help me through it. Honestly I left a bunch out. I told him some juicy stuff but some? Uh uh.

Man, what a burden. It took me a month to write it. and almost a month to set the time to read it. The first time was easier. Started on a Friday and finished on Monday. Met with my pastor on Wednesday. It was not easy by any means. Neither was today. I hit my sponsor with stuff I had never told a soul. Not even God. I walked away relieved. Shaking like a unbalanced washing machine, but relieved.

Jason, my sponsor says I'll feel better tomorrow. I feel better now.

Freed from the chains of my own guilt and shame.

Still pooped.



Larry

Keepin' It Real

So, how real do you keep it when blogging? Are we shiny plastic people? Or do we lay it all out on the line?

Some blogs I have perused are vile, full of hatred and anger, an 80's punk show flyer. Show us how you really feel eh?

How far do you go with personal angst and agony? Do you name names or protect the not so innocent? I know when I finally finish my autobiography I'm not pulling any punches.

Fortunately I am doing another fith step Thursday with my sponsor. I also have therapy an hour before. So I'll be getting some needed processing done this week.

It seems I am never to escape family drama. No matter what I do it'll allways be there. God grant me the serenity etc. I feel like the elderly Michael Corleone. "No matter what I do they pull me back in!" It affects me down to my core.

When I was a kid things could be tough at times. (I am still being too chicken to keep it real here) I have bent over backwards to not make those mistakes with my girls. I never want them to feel as I did and still do. I don't get why my family doesn't do the same.

To accept the things I cannot change. I feel like I am taking crazy pills wait, oh yeah, I am.

If you can't tell I am very frustrated as I write this post. I wanna keep it much more real but the shiny won't come off just yet. My codependency still abounds I guess.


Larry

New Day

Is the sun shining? Do I see light at the end of the tunnel? Am I jumping the gun?

I am always hesitant to get too excited about tomorrow. Have to make sure I'm not on a slide.
It isn't very fun to tell folks how great I am feeling then, next day can't get off the floor. Ah the bipolar hula!

Anyways, work is going good again for right now. I am getting my excercise like a good boy, and am getting better about my eating habits. Seems almost like old times before the wreck.

It's amazing what you can do with focus!

Right now.


Larry

Back on the Bike

Do you feel the winds of change?

Soon this weight will fall away

And take you to a place

Only found through these winds of change

Winds of Change, Kutless

What a good weekend. I have been back on my bike twice. Day one, 4o minute or so ride. Day two an hour. I almost ate it today on the wet trails. It is tradition here that it always rains Memorial day weekend. This one was no exception.

Of course I did the obligitory Memorial Day guy thing. Watched two hours of the series Band of Brothers. I had never seen the last two episodes. Fantastic, I never cease to be in awe of the people who serve in uniform for our country. I watch our guys over in Iraq and Afganistan on the Military Channel and feel like a complete pansy. Incredible what they do.

Anyways, the above lyric is from a song that gives me hope when I'm down. I try to listen to it once a day.

I'm starting a new side-bar of what I am listening to. Just wanted to share some of the tunes that have given me a boost.

Trust me,

There have been a lot

Larry

Finally, The Awards Are Out!

Last month Shirley Buxton presented me with The Thinking Blogger Award. It was the first blog award I have recieved from my peers, and coming from her was a true honor. So today, finally, I am awarding five blogs that really make me think.

1. Three Kid Circus. I love the name of Jenny's blog. I have tons of kids in my house and I love her stories. The post that really got me was "Bad to the Bone" I was laughing hysterically. When I was a kid we weren't allowed to say "butt" either, we had to say bottom or even worse, fanny. (is it any wonder I have issues?)

2. A LifeTime on the Ride: Mandy has been one of my blogging buddies since I started. This past year has been a huge growing experience for her, and I have enjoyed and found strength in her writing. She has gone from severe depression to running freaking marathons!

3. The Soiled Chamois: This one is a bit different. Jason is an endurance mountain biker. Half the time I am not sure what he is talking about but, (bike terminology) he is totally driven to what he does. Jason writes about it with humor and flair.

4. Acute Politics: Teflon Don does an awesome job writing on his experiences in Iraq. It is almost like you are there with him. We need to honor him and all our serving men and women in uniform past and present for Memorial Day. Actually they should be honored everyday for their sacrifice.

5. Blah Blah Blog: Linda (aka Lou) not only has a great sense of humor but is a great humanitarian as well. She is a nurse who spends her summers on mission trips. Make sure you check out her emergency roomisms.

So all of y'all check-em out. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Larry

Eternity

Ecclesiastes 3-11

God has planted eternity in the human heart.

How do we fathom this? God has planted eternity in our hearts. It means that each of us, no matter where we are from. No matter what our culture, He has done this for all of human-kind.

Paul tells us in Romans that people instinctively know about God. He has placed this knowledge in our hearts as well.

In my life I denied this for years. Things were wrong, and I could never quite put my finger on what it was. My lifestyle was fueled by the weekend. The never ending I owed it to myself whether I deserved it or not. Then Monday morning "welcome back to reality."

Self medication with a prescription of lies and fears with a dose of as needed, leaves you lost in the world. This place we live in with it's decieving beauty is empty without God. We can see what he has created but, without him it is hollow, nothing. We see without seeing. We know but don't. Going through the motions.

I knew my life was wrong. A disaster, with a gulf of no hope. Hope is like sight. You don't know what's missing until you recieve it. The last time I visited the eye doctor he changed my contacts. I tried the new lenses and "wow!" I can see!

I had no idea my lack of hope until I had it.

In Christ I'll have it for eternity.

Larry

The Journey

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. An ant builds a mound one grain of sand at a time. Faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain.

Jesus is a lamp to our feet, a light unto our path. A light at our feet means we can only see what is right ahead of us. Single steps, single steps. The kiss principle, keep it simple stupid.

Sometimes something so small is the way to go. I don't have to slay the dragon all at once, I'll just hack away and pray for progress. My thought processes seem to be getting back to normal. My focus is much better.

Right now.

I hate to go more than that because I don't know what tomorrow holds. I pray for strength and the peace that passes all understanding. I also pray that I will totally accept the Grace and the supernatural love that God has for me. I do but, my brain has a hard time encompassing it.

Hey, I journaled three days in a row...

Pray for George, that he will come to know Christ and accept His Grace.

Larry

Crossroads

Up, down. Up down. You know it is really cool that I finally know what I'm dealing with in my Life. I recognize the cycles of mania and depression.

Stuff makes sense now. Changes will have to be made. Commission sales may not be the best thing for me anymore.

What to do? I have been praying for The Lord to open another door for me. Stability would be a good thing.

I am coming to a crossroads. Which way do I go?

God will tell me. If I shut up and listen.

Larry

Love Part II

I recently finished reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller What a fantastic Read! I got so much out of it.

You can read stuff and something clicks that blows your mind. A new way of looking at things.

Here is something that really changed my thinking from reading the book. I am totally relating to what spoke to me as I read. These are not quotes from the book. If it smooshes with it consider it a paraphrase.

You have to completely accept God's Supernatural Love.

I am the greatest in the world at talking down to myself. When I say a bad word. Have lustful thoughts, let my eyes wander, or watch something I shouldn't, I feel guilty to the point of paralyzation. Like Jim Carrey in the movie Liar Liar. You know, the bathroom scene. "Excuse me! Do you mind! I'm Kickin' my own ass!"

Paul tell's us "While we were still sinners Christ died for us." Jesus knows how broken and twisted we are. That's why he did what he did. We were beyond the law. Now we are free!

Shame and guilt can torture us into believing, how could God love us? This is satan seperating us from the Sheperd. Good conviction is a tug, a desire to do better. If you hear, you suck, how could you do that, what is wrong with you, it is of the devil.

All you have to say to remember is, Jesus died for me!


Larry

Love

I loved my morning devotional today.

I thought I would share it with you.


2007/05/11

Loving Out The Fear

by Jon Walker

All of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. (1 Peter 3:8 NLT)

God enables us to love the fear out of one another.
We drive fear from our families and friends by loving one another so supportively that every one feels safe inside the group (1 John 4:18). This safety allows us to bring our humanity into the open, including all our pain and joy, our ups and downs, our victories and defeats.

It means you give to others the same uncommon safety Christ gives you – to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet to be loved.

God challenges us to create a Christ-community where we love like our lives depend upon it (1 Peter 1:22) and where we can each “live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28)
We’re to weep as one and celebrate as one, caring for each other equally (1 Corinthians 12:25-26) as we comfort and confront, warm and warn, cherish and challenge within an atmosphere of supportive safety.

Loving the fear out of each other requires that we develop:

Tender hearts – We give support to each other because God gives us support, and we’re to encourage others with the encouragement we receive from him. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

In the New Testament, the word ‘support’ can literally mean “to increase one another’s potential.” (Romans 14:19 NJB) We strengthen one another by extending love, instead of fostering fear, and we do that by offering relationships that are safe and sympathetic.

Humble minds –True humility focuses on the worth of others. We understand our value in Christ, and we understand that God shapes each of us for a unique purpose.

Godly eyes – Loving the fear out of our family and friends – in fact, loving the fear out of the world – means we see others for what they can be, not for what they appear to be now. Jesus called Peter a rock when the fisherman was still acting on impulse (Matt. 16:18), and God called Gideon a mighty man of courage when he was hiding from the enemy among piles of grain. (Judges 6:11-12) God calls us to encourage and affirm each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11), seeing those around us in terms of their purpose and mission in life.

So what?
God enables us to love the fear out of one another. You can love the fear out of others, and you can allow the fear to be loved out of you.

We exhibit tender hearts when we say to one another:

It’s OK to have a bad day.·

It’s OK to be tired.·

It’s OK to admit your mistakes.·

It’s OK to say your marriage is failing.·

It’s OK to confess your addiction.· It’s OK to share you’re scared.·

It’s OK to want a day away from your toddler.·

It’s OK to grieve this loss.·

It’s OK to doubt, to be confused, to cry.

We exhibit humble minds when we say to one another:

It’s OK to be happy you got a new car.

It’s OK to celebrate that you got a huge raise.

It’s OK to joyfully tell us you lost 17 pounds.

It’s OK to say you won the sales competition.

It’s OK to shout “Hallelujah!” because God’s presence in your life is so good.

It’s OK to tell us these things because we will be as happy for you as if these blessings had come to us, and we will join you in hearty celebration.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.
Jon Walker is a pastor-advocate living in Southern California and the former pastor of communications at Saddleback Church.

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Spam

Ahh Spam! Is it fried? Baked with jelly on top? Or is it that annoying stuff that clogs your email no matter how many times you block?

What a great name for email adverts. Nobody really knows what or where the original Spam comes from and it is kinda hard to know where this email stuff comes from as well.

Don't get me wrong, I like spam. Fried and dipped in mustard. Baked with grape jelly on top... Hey, don't knock it till you have tried it. I also like chocolate cake and a glass of buttermilk with salt in it. Oops, I probably scared all my readers away with that one.

But this email spam is pretty annoying.

I only wish I could get that money from Abu Mbinki the poor widower who could be rich If I could just give him my banking info. Man if I could only collect half of the laptops and Ipods I'm offered I could open my own electronics store. How about opening a pharmacy? Dude, what about the stock tips? Busting the Dow wide open, man what a dream! Free theme park tickets, Motorola Razrs. Wow, spam offers so many incredible opportunities! I'm not even going into the dating ones or the natural male.... Ahh never mind.

I think I'll just stick with the one in the can.

Larry

P.S. I am working on my thinking blogger awards.

Making Sense

Moments of clarity. The light bulb comes on. Something clicks, and suddenly you get it.

How does this happen? How do we get away from the foundational things Jesus has given us? Then suddenly we get it again?

I know what I have to do in my life, but dang it, I don't. I know what He wants from me, I fight.

The verse in the song Hold Me Jesus is so me.

"I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than to take what You give that I need."

I am like grandpa's mule who needed a two by four to get him moving. The call is there but I will not pick up the phone. I will not listen to the messages either because I don't want to hear them. So they pile up.

Paul said it best.

"I know that nothing good lives in me. That is my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is right, but I cannot carry it out.

I don't want to be blinded to get it. I don't want to be swallowed by a fish either.

I better shut up and know He is God.

I want to thank Shirley Buxton for awarding me the Thinking Blogger Award. It means a lot coming from her. I admire her writing a great deal and for her to say I write beautifully was a wonderful compliment. Even more is her support and her prayers. So watch out fellow bloggers this award will be coming to five blogs that really make me go "hmmm." (I can't help being a cornball.)

The history behind this award can be found here.

Larry

The Bi-Polar Hula

I haven't posted for a while. I am sorry if any of you have worried. It has been a difficult time for me both at home and work.

After the first of the year my family went through a trauma of sorts. Some extreme personal differences erupted between my parents and I. The end result being, I left the family business. All of this happened while I was still recovering from the effects of coming off of my pain medication.

Since then I have been struggling with major depression and anxiety. Trying to build a new business and maintain my recovery. Needless to say it has been tough.

My doc put me on Prozac which enabled me to get up off of the floor. I still struggled with doing something, anything productive. Each day was a battle. I couldn't focus on anything. Prayer, recovery, work, family, whatever. A friend told me that if you are taking antidepressants and you are still depressed you are probably bi-polar. "Yeah dude what-ever" I said. "Denial!" I had seen so many in recovery diagnosed with bi-polar I didn't want anything to do with it. Lithium? No way not me!

I blew it off for a week or so and then I started getting desperate. I looked up the symptoms and went, oh. I set an appointment for my psychiatrist. He put me on lamictal. I am building up the dosage right now, but I feel normal again. He hasn't officially diagnosed me, however if it looks like a duck it probably is.

The icing on the cake is that I can focus again. That is the real miracle. I feel connected with God, my program, and my family. I finished reprocessing my "traumas" with a new fourth step today and feel better than I have in weeks.

So, I hope to be back more consistantly and to not be so freaking serious about everything.

Aloha

Larry