Thursday, June 7, 2007

Heavy Duty

Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16

Ever have one of those days where you get a bunch of stuff off your chest and exhaustion sets in? Mental drainage? It s nothing a good run or bike ride wouldn't cure but I havn't the energy to get up, get going.

First Therapy, therapy days always drain me. It doesn't matter whether I go early or later in the afternoon. Dealing with your issues can really wear you out. My therapist hit me with some good stuff. "If every thing was perfect with your family how would your life be?" I rattled off a few answers, "work would be better." "anxiety would be gone" etc.

She then smacked the daylights out of me. "Wow, you sure are giving them a lot of power eh?" Nice huh? If she had been my sponsor I might have retorted with a colorful metaphor. She however is a proffessional and I have to give her her due. Great Logic there. I am stealing it to use on my sponsees.

Second, fith step. This is the step where you process all that stuff you put in your fourth step. Anxietys, fears, resentments, good stuff, bad stuff all on paper in columns where you can see your part in each of those areas. It is important to keep it balanced. A good sponsor will make sure you do.

I have done my fourth and fith step before. Having no one else at the time I used my pastor to help me through it. Honestly I left a bunch out. I told him some juicy stuff but some? Uh uh.

Man, what a burden. It took me a month to write it. and almost a month to set the time to read it. The first time was easier. Started on a Friday and finished on Monday. Met with my pastor on Wednesday. It was not easy by any means. Neither was today. I hit my sponsor with stuff I had never told a soul. Not even God. I walked away relieved. Shaking like a unbalanced washing machine, but relieved.

Jason, my sponsor says I'll feel better tomorrow. I feel better now.

Freed from the chains of my own guilt and shame.

Still pooped.



Mandylea said...

I REALLY admire you for doing your 4th adn 5th step work----AGAIN. I am doing my 4th step work via Power to Choose and boy is it HARD. I am not looking forward to the 5th step, but all for a worthy healing and recovery. Funny you would bring this up now of all CR last night we talked about sponsors and accountability partners. God is really working with me HARD on this one. It seems this is about the 3rd time since I started CR a few months back that the 4th and/or 5th steps were discussed in shape, form, or fashion. God does work in the most convienient ways and places. Keep up the hard work, you are worth it.

love ya Larry-Boy


Larry said...

Don't stop whatever you do. This is where the real healing begins. Everthing before is kumbaya. It hurts at times. The greatest part is that you learn you are "not guilty" in a lot of things you had no control over. That in itself is worth dredging it all up.

Go sister.


DeadMule said...

Hi Larry, I've never had to face anything like this in a formal way. But I did have some real baggage to get rid of. And you are so right that facing it squarely is where the healing begins. We are such sinners; we are so loved. Your sister, Helen

Whitney said...

Well, after turning just briefly last night to my drug of choice again (food), I feel miserable this morning and know I have to get back to work on those steps. I know I'm not perfect...but if I could figure out the "whys" maybe I wouldn't have these small setbacks. God is still working on me for SURE! Think I need that roadsign. ; )

Thanks for your insight and encouragement.

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